Iain's Joke Page!
This page has had cool visitors.
Unfortunately, it's also had dull ones...
Here are a few of the jokes I heard most recently. If you have any new ones don't hesitate to e-mail me and I may just stick them on...
This guy and his wife are walking down the road when they see this penguin. The penguin's just walking around. The couple think "We've got to do something, we can't just leave this penguin walking around". So they go up to this policeman and say, "Excuse us officer but we've just found this penguin walking around. What should we do?". The policeman says, "Well I suppose the best thing to do would be to take him to the zoo". So the couple walk off with the penguin.
The next day the policeman sees the couple walking down the street with the penguin, so he goes up to them and says, "Look, I thought I told you to take the penguin to the Zoo?". "Yeah" says the guy. "Yesterday we took him to the Zoo. Today we're taking him to the cinema".
This guy goes to the vet with his dog and asks the vet to take a look at it. So the vet goes into the examining room with the dog and comes back in ten minutes and says to the guy, "Excuse me Sir, but can you say 'Aaaah'?". The guy says, "You're supposed to be examining the dog! Why do you want me to say 'Aaaah'?". The vet says "Because your dog's dead".
A snail saves up all his money and buys a brand new Ferarri. Just before he leaves the garage he says to the guy, "Just one more thing, Could you paint a great big 'S' on the side of the car for me?". The guy in the garage says, "Sure, but why do you want to ruin this beautiful paintwork with a giant letter 'S'?". The snail says, "So that when people see me driving past they'll say 'Look at that 'S'-car-go!"!!
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and brings his friend with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating from the peanuts on the coffee table, and eventually eats them all. Just as they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "You're quite welcome; since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
A guy is going on a cruise, and goes to the doctor saying that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor says, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave." The guy says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?" The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."
Two guys are out hiking when all of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy takes his running shoes out of his backpack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you."
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred packs of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm incredibly bright now! I could be a lawyer! It was terrific!" They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. It's wonderful!" They open up the third guy's door, and he's patting his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says. "Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar". "Why is that?", the first guy asks. "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.
"Not only that," the second guy says," but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up." "No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and jumps out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes straight back up and sails back in the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I can't even believe it!", the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he jumps out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, what the heck", the first man says and proceeds to jump out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
When the first electric chair in Afghanistan was installed, a nearby village chairman was so intrigued with it that he wanted one. He got a bunch of his friends together and stole it, returning it to their village out in the steppes. The village contained many timber and grass huts that step up, ziggurat style, as is common in that region. This tribal chairman was proud of his chair and used it as a throne. He also used it to roast meat on it from time to time.
Once, while the chairman was happily cooking, his friends ran in yelling that the police were down the street, looking for the chair. Together, they hoisted the chair up into the attic. The hot chair ignited the thatch, causing the roof to burn, bringing the police over immediately, proving that smoking ziggurats are hazardous to your stealth.
While the tribal chairman was trying to bluff the police, a few weakened beams broke, dropping the heavy electric chair down on his head, killing him instantly. This only proves that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
A man walks into the Doctor's. He's got a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What’s the matter with me?" he asked. "You're not eating properly." replied the Doctor.
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